I have hated my brain for so much of my life. I hated how no matter how hard I studied in grade school I still struggled in many subjects - History and Spanish being by far the worst! I hated how easily my brain would judge my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I hated how when I was called on in class to read out loud, my brain would be words ahead of my mouth and I would stumble over them constantly. I hated how anxious it would allow me to get over swim races, tests, doctor's appointments, public speaking, and so much more. I hated the speed at which it processed information and how most "adult" things like laundry and dishes seem nearly impossible unless dopamine is involved. Most importantly, I hated how my brain decided to make me feel extra depressed and sad during the cold winter months in New England.
I always had us up against each other. My brain was on one team and I was on the other which is very hard to deal with when you are both living in the same body. This inner conflict created a whole lot of self-hatred towards myself.
Once I got my ADHD diagnosis, I realized that my brain wasn't against me at all it was just operating in the only way it knows how to - fast and dopamine craving! Spanish wasn't hard because I was broken, Spanish was hard because my brain wasn't interested in learning it and while it would be cool to speak two languages, guess what that's just not for me! My anxiety wasn't "out to get me" it was trying to protect me from getting hurt emotionally or physically. My PMDD and Depression also link back to my ADHD brain. My brain isn't broken, it is just different and that diagnosis helped me understand that moving forward we could be on the same team.
Since my diagnosis, I have spent hours and hours with both my therapist and coach and through both of these incredible resources I have been able to find so much love for the way my brain operates. I also have learned some incredible tools to help guide my brain to stay on track and accomplish the things I dream of doing in this lifetime.
I have been really hard on myself for not writing on this blog as much as I was previously but, my brain has been working overtime and I have been allowing myself to take a break. My brain is currently digesting content weekly from my 9-5 job, coaching clients, coaching & therapy for myself, information from an ADHD coaching training course, human design course, intuitive eating ADHD course, eating disorder support group, and just daily human life. This is A LOT - which my brain loves to do and it loves to learn (things it wants to learn about, not Spanish). I love this about my brain!
Today, when I was driving home from my doctor's appointment I passed what used to be an old Mexican restaurant that my family used to go to growing up. This was actually the very first Mexican restaurant I had ever been to and the only reason why I remember that is because in 5th grade, for our standardized state-wide test we had to write a descriptive 5 paragraph essay on something we have recently tried - I chose to write about my first time going out to eat Mexican food - which very much tracks still to this day as that is my favorite cuisine! So why does this matter well, some days I forget to clean my dishes or switch my laundry over to the dryer hours after it is done. Some days I get anxious and depressed and feel all the emotions all at once. Some days I run late to appointments because I forgot to write it down or I am blind to what time it actually is. I can do all of these things BUT I can also vividly remember what I wrote on a standardized test YEARS ago!! Some days, my brain can also be pretty fascinating!
a good chunk of the things I hated my brain for doing
I think that my brain knew how much I loved to write even before I truly accepted that I did which was just last year! 5th grade was the year that I learned how to write more creatively and structure my writing into a 5 paragraph essay format which is still something I use today (this blog being evidence haha).
I always thought my brain was the enemy for so much of my life but now, I understand it's just different and that doesn't mean it is broken or wrong or bad. It simply means that I need to take time to pause and understand what it loves and what it doesn't. Together we are a team keeping me living and breathing! While I am upset it took so long to get here, I am happy to have this new relationship with brain as it has only allowed me to get to know who I am on a whole new level!
Comments