Lately, I have been struggling to post to my blog. I keep writing posts and posts (you should see my drafts folder) and then out of fear of being too vulnerable, I don’t click publish. This blog is me being so real about who I am and it is terrifying… BUT deep down I do know there is so much value in sharing my story because of others out there that feel the same.
So, here I go…
As an activity, my career coach has me write down 3 things I am grateful for each morning before I start my workday. I have found it to be very helpful as it forces me to start my day with an appreciative and positive mindset. Recently, my coach asked me to look back over the last three months and write down any repeats to help me truly define what brings me joy.
I am most grateful for my family, friends, fiancé, career coach, a clean kitchen, reading, music, empowering others, and spending time outdoors. These are the things that make me happy and bring me joy!
Lately, I have been catching up with so many friends and family members due to getting engaged last month which has been awesome and very exciting! I have also been reading a lot of great books and even saw my favorite music artist, Harry Styles live. I hit 700 readers on my blog and have been overwhelmed by the number of people who have reached out to me saying that they have either found my posts relatable or empowering.
When talking to a close friend of mine a few weeks ago, I had mentioned this feeling of being so happy yet not feeling able to enjoy it because of this lingering unknown sad feeling. I couldn’t fully grasp why this could be if everything I have been doing are things that make me happy. She said, “you love being outside and in nature so feeling like you’re losing that outlet must be sad” and that is when I realized – yup, that is it exactly. My outlet of spending time outdoors has been drastically impacted due to the seasons changing and daylight savings. With the sun setting at 4:30 pm, my days feel so short and the time that I can go outside and spend time in the sunshine is limited to a few hours each morning due to work.
I have been impacted by Seasonal Depression for quite some time but have always been afraid to admit it to myself. I was too afraid that if I had Seasonal Depression people would think of me differently. When I was younger, it was this fear of not being the perfect daughter and sister. When I was in college, it was fear of not being the perfect student-athlete/captain. When I had graduated, it was the fear of not being the perfect employee.
This time around – I am no longer trying to be perfect, I am just trying to be me.
I found when I am trying to be this perfect version of myself I end up exhausted because that “perfect” version is unattainable and unrealistic. By practicing being authentic, I have found I enjoy my life so much more. My conversations with friends and family are more real and authentic. My relationships are filled with so much more love and compassion. Overall, I have so much more energy to enjoy my life and be happy. By accepting myself as is – I realized I am someone who struggles with Seasonal Depression and accepting that has helped me become happier than I would have ever expected it to.
If you also struggle with this just know that you are not alone.
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