my finding a health at every size doctor journey

I hate to say this but, this was hard. I wish it wasn't, but that's why I decided to write this post. My hope is that some of these tips help someone else out there have an easier time finding a HAES doctor. Before I jump into the tips, I want to mention a few things about why I even decided to look for a HAES doctor.

Before finding my current doctor, going to the doctor gave me really bad anxiety. It was almost like clockwork... my appointment would be going fine. I didn't drink a lot, I never smoked, my blood work would be great BUT then we'd get to my weight and it would all go downhill. I would interrogated, what I was eating and how much I was eating. I will never forget when I was asked to walk through a day of meals I recently ate, and when I said I ate chicken I was interrupted and told to show how much chicken I ate using my palm to show the portion. I felt humiliated. I felt like I didn't matter as a human - the only thing that mattered was my weight. A silly little number!

The final straw was when I was told that I needed to lose 150+ pounds to get an inhaler prescription. I had "failed" the asthma test she gave me and then she said, I want you to lose weight before I prescribe this to you. She wanted my weight to be in the "normal BMI" range which would result in me needing to loose 150+ pounds.

*Fun fact - weight loss drugs like Ozempic help people on average loose 15% - 20% of their body weight. So, even if I took a medication like this, my BMI would still be overweight. The BMI is bogus but that's a whole different issue. (if want to read more about it, I'll link some fun articles at the end of this post)

I tossed my scale out a LONG time ago as I didn't have a healthy relationship with it. It dictated too much of my emotions or what I allowed myself to eat. The only time I would know my actual weight was, was at the doctor's office. So I knew this whole losing 150+ pounds wasn't going to be the route to take.

When I would get weighed at the doctors, I instantly felt like I was back at Weight Watchers stepping on the scale to find out if I was going to get shamed or get a charm as a reward for losing weight. This reward system was so dangerous for my ADHD dopamine-craving brain! I would not drink or eat before meetings and would always wear the LIGHTEST clothes possible to make sure they were not impacting the chance of me getting my next reward. This was toxic behavior for me, I am so proud & glad I no longer partake in it!

I cried after every single doctor's appointment for YEARS and to be honest that still makes me sad today. I cannot believe I let myself stay with this doctor for so long, but I didn't know better - so I am able to give myself some compassion here.

It was finally, after the asthma incident that I lost it. I called my friend in tears and shared that I was just told I could not get the medicine I needed because of my weight. My friend suggested I get a new doctor but even the idea of experiencing this again gave me anxiety. I was also humiliated and felt like I wasn't worthy of being alive because the number on the scale was too big for me to get the medication that I needed! After this doctor's appointment, my disordered eating habits came right back. I was skipping meals, working out excessively, and I started to hate my body.

I knew I was headed down a path I didn't want to enter, so I started doing some reading about Health At Every Size doctors. I couldn't believe this concept. I was skeptical and because of my last experience, the thought of feeling that ashamed again was terrifying. I didn't ever want to experience the embarrassment I recently felt in a doctor's office again.

I finally found one online, she had great reviews but I was uneasy about it. She was listed on a local HAES doctor list I had come across during my research. This was great but I went to her profile, I noticed she listed she was specialized in ADHD and Obesity Medication. ADHD was very intriguing to me as I was just diagnosed and had zero clue on where to go for help but just seeing the word obesity brought back the anxiety I felt at my previous doctor. My files have the word obesity in BRIGHT red letters all over (read my wedding post if you wanna hear more about my thoughts on this ◡̈ )

Anyway, I hyped myself up - put on my favorite music, and wrote her a message which I included below for anyone else to use if they want some sort of template to send to a new doctor. I kept telling myself that I didn't have to meet her if I didn't like her response which took away some of the anxiety.

When I finally sent the message, I felt a wave of confidence and relief. I finally stood up for myself in the medical space and felt a rush of empowerment. I had some hope that I could be taken care of without it always coming back to my weight. And when she responded, I cried - this time happy tears!

She told me more about her health at every size approach, offered to not weigh me at appointments, and if weight was necessary to take (some insurances require it to be taken at appointments and to take some medications it is required to know for dosage amounts) she would hide it on my chart from me.

I walked into that first appointment still anxious but I also felt empowered knowing she wasn't going to judge or shame me for my weight. She looked at me as a human and I felt so seen!

I have been seeing her for over 2 years now and I am so relieved to know I have a doctor who will take my conditions, issues, and health seriously without making everything weight-related. It was with her help I was able to get on the right medication for my depression, PMDD, anxiety, and ADHD. It was with her help that I learned I had sleep apnea and a b12 deficiency. Her help gave me the confidence to start ED treatment. My previous doctor, never once considered me having an eating disorder.

Last week, I ended up in the ER due to an ovarian cyst bursting and was able to stand up for myself when it came to getting weighed. I was able to advocate for myself and the pain I was feeling which got me the treatment I needed. I was able to confidently go to the OBGYN and ask that my weight be hidden on my chart. I was able to get the care I needed without my weight being the center of everything and it felt fabulous.

I wish this could be the outcome for every woman. I am very aware that I am considered "small fat" in the fat community and with that I have privilege. I know that there are many women out there who will not be taken seriously or be turned down when it comes to medical treatment due to their weight. I know of women who will be told to go on Ozempic to "cure their problems" when in reality their underlying medical issues are not weight-related at all. I know of women who have died because doctor's didn't listen to their concerns and only focused on their weight.

And that is why I will continue to share my story. Nobody should not be taken seriously or be turned away when it comes to medical treatment because of their weight.

You are not alone & deserve to be treated like a human because you are so much more than a number a scale reads.

Below are some great resources for you to begin your own HAES doctor journey!