Yesterday, I invested in a food coaching session with an incredible woman, Micole and it was such a powerful experience! For me, food has always been something I LOVE but not something I prioritize, which I realize is crazy because we need it to survive.
The summer I came home from freshman year of college, I enrolled in Weight Watchers because it was what my parents were doing and I felt like I needed to lose the "freshman twenty" I had gained. I remember being so horrified at how much I had gained even though I was a college athlete. I was working out more than ever yet weighed the most I have ever weighed - how was that possible!
Weight Watchers was a nightmare! I had 20 something points a day and every week I was weighed by a stranger who would reward me with a sticker if I lost weight. If I lost 5 or 10 pounds I got a charm (fancy, I know!). As someone who is very competitive with herself, this became a game I wanted to win. I would try and wear the lightest clothes to weigh in day, I wouldn't drink water or eat before that meeting, I would try and eat below my point value the day before to have that number be as low as it could. Starving yourself for a sticker or a charm, I learned is not a great way to nourish yourself.
I lost over 50 pounds that summer and you'd think I would have been happier because that's what we are all told - skinny = happy. I was so miserable, my relationship with food was ruined, and I hated going out to eat at restaurants because it was hard to calculate the point values of all the foods on the menu. I counted and measured everything I ate and it took over my whole life. I was never not thinking about food. Now, I realize this was because I was starving myself!
I have been working on healing my relationship with food ever since senior year of college. This has required a lot of self-work on challenging my internalized fatphobia and accepting that no food has guilt as an ingredient. Two years ago, I even got rid of my scale and haven't weighed myself since. The only time I am weighed is at the doctor's and I ask to not discuss weight or know what that number is because that is what it is - just a number. That number doesn't determine my worth or my ability to be loved.
When I was extremely burned out last year, I wasn't fueling my body correctly. I wasn't eating lunch because I made myself so busy with work that I never had time to eat. When I would eat, I would eat something so boring and quick.
During my session yesterday, Micole and I went through my whole schedule and looked at how much time I have each day for cooking and preparing meals. Then she provided recipes that I could make within those time slots. A lot of the ideas simply elevated meals I was already making but made them more fun and creative!
One of the recipes she showed me was a pasta, pesto, and sausage dish. She suggested using pre-cooked sausages and pesto sauce and then really all I have to do is cook some pasta and heat the sausages. I immediately laughed because burned out Cym - loved pre-cooked sausages but that's all I would eat! I would heat a sausage and cut it up and that was my lunch. Looking back I realize, the way I tried to nourish my body was sad and if I only prioritized myself a little more back then I could have elevated that meal to be an ACTUAL meal!
I still have so much to unlearn when it comes to diet culture but I will say I have made a lot of progress. Learning how to intuitively eat has been challenging but so rewarding. College me or even burned-out me would have never imagined herself at a session like the one I had yesterday.
During that session, I wasn't obsessed over the calories or how these meals could make me look - I was focused on the flavors and textures, how creative they were, the time they take to make, and the way these meals will make me feel so nourished. I cannot wait to make all these fun delicious-looking recipes - and saying that alone makes me so happy because I feel like I have finally made some progress in healing my relationship with food.
*If you are looking for some amazing recipes check out Micole's site - she has some great ones on there!
My favorite has been her toast with goat cheese & fig jam! Simple, yet delicious!
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