Last winter, I was running out the door one day and as I was making my way out, I noticed
my winter jacket was unable to zip up. I was horrified. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was ashamed. This jacket fit me, all through college and 4 years post. How did I manage to gain so much weight that it no longer fit?!
I hated myself for letting me get to this size.
I wasn’t in the best mindset, last winter so I did what I thought I had to do and started to eat less, hate myself more every time I looked in the mirror, and worked out more. I made myself the issue, not the jacket. I thought I HAD to change my life so that I could fit into this damn North Face winter jacket.
Looking back, I wish I could hug myself. I was so controlled by my fatphobia and what I have been told by the media to believe.
Through working with my coach, I was able to start unpacking this fatphobia and I started to read and listen to podcasts that helped me realize that my body wasn't the issue. I realized that I didn't need to change my body to fit into clothes, I needed to buy new clothes that fit, and that was okay.
That whole winter when I was working through my fatphobia (that I am still very much working through today), I didn’t buy a new coat that whole winter as “punishment”. Silly, I know. But, at the time that seemed like a very reasonable thing to do. I wasn't deserving of a new larger jacket in my mind!
Now, this is where things get fun... when I say the universe has our back, I know that to be true, because of this situation. The week after my jacket incident, my friend asked me if I wanted this winter jacket she had thrifted. She said that it didn’t fit her as well as she would have liked. She ended up finding a new one in her size so she offered the other one to me. I am going to be honest, I was so afraid to accept this jacket knowing how much smaller her body was than mine and even though she said it was oversized, my brain was still working through my current jacket not fitting so, I wasn't ready to have that happen all over again so soon.
We went to dinner together and I remember being so anxious thinking, what if it doesn’t fit and it's too small? After dinner, she gave it to me and I had a huge sense of relief when I saw that it had no zippers or closures so there was NO way it wouldn't zip up like my other jacket because that wasn't even an option!
The jacket fit perfectly and was even a little oversized! I love it and I love how my friend thought of me when she saw this jacket. I needed this jacket more than she probably even realized. I wore it all winter long despite not having the ability to zip up or close and in New England that wasn't the smartest decision but, I made it work.
This past week, I pulled out this jacket as it has become winter overnight here and I am so happy and excited to be wearing it again but, I am even happier that I am in a much better place with my body.
I am still working through 27 years of fatphobia being drilled into my brain but, I am getting better. I bought a new winter jacket already for this winter that zips up and fits my current body the way it looks today. I am fat and okay with how my body looks.
It's so easy to fall into the mindset that we must change our bodies and the way we look to fit into certain clothes but, accepting that it's okay to buy new clothes when you grow out of old ones is the hard way that will always be more rewarding in the long run.
This is one of those times where the hard way ended up being the easy way and as much as I hate doing hard things - I can and I did, and guess what, you can too!
me rocking the jacket :)
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